Malenia is tough as nails. I spent a good three hours dying to her first phase before finally conquering her, only to find that she sprouts wings and packs an even meaner punch in a second surprise phase. Let Me Solo Her put us all to shame once already by making the fight look like a cakewalk, but PointCrow is here to rub even more salt in the wound since his goldfish has now beaten her.
They hooked their goldfish tank up to some “goldfish code” during a Twitch stream which essentially maps Tortellini to a rectangle grid of inputs. When they swim over one of the inputs, they interact with Elden Ring. This means that they can attack, roll, heal, and move at complete random, but random worked well enough on Malenia’s first phase, somehow.
It’s worth noting that Tortellini doesn’t have to beat Elden Ring traditionally. PointCrow isn’t expecting them to magically walk in the right direction across its open world to find each and every boss, somehow stumbling through armies of enemies without dying while lighting grace points to get checkpoints. Instead, they have the Elden Ring Boss Arena mod installed, which essentially lets PointCrow pick and choose which bosses Tortellini gets to fight. So far, they’ve beaten the tutorial Soldier of Godrick, Margit, Godrick himself, and the first phase of Malenia.
Granted, Tortellini didn’t just waltz in (swim in?) and beat Malenia like it was nothing. In the five and a half hours that PointCrow’s goldfish played, it couldn’t get passed the second phase, but a goldfish beating Malenia’s first is still a huge achievement that yes, puts us all to shame. You can watch it in its entirety on Twitch (all nearly six hours) or you can wait for the edited YouTube video that PointCrow says “will be out sometime in the next week”.
Interestingly, if we look at the achievement stats, 91 percent of players beat Margit and 84 percent beat Godrick, which means that Tortellini is better than nine percent of Elden Ring players. A goldfish. If it manages to finally push through and beat Malenia’s second phase, it’ll be better than 43 percent of players, nearly half. What it really means is that most people probably didn’t even reach Malenia or Godrick, but let’s pretend for a moment that we’re all being outclassed by a goldfish who doesn’t even know–and can’t even comprehend–that they’re playing the game. That’s much more fun.
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